“The Colors of My Heart” by Lucy Brown

2018 Winner, Elementary Fiction

The room was filled with silence; the room was filled with gloom.  I guess I should have expected this, no one is happy going into any type of surgery.  I was the only one with a smile on my face. I had to have hope, I had to stay strong.

“Alexis Frey, please come to the front,” called a smiling nurse from the front of the medical center.  I smelled hand sanitizer and gauze in the cool air. The nurse was wearing Mr. Sunshine scrubs. Her hand was extended to offer my Mom and Dad a shake.  Her orange glasses reminded me of cat eye glasses from the 50’s. Her smile reminded me of Cheshire Cat from my favorite book, “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland”.   My Nana used to read it to me in my hospital bed.

As you know, my name is Alexis. I was born with a very serious heart disorder, but somehow, I have managed to live… being able to run and play just like a normal kid.  But, when I was four, my heart stopped for two and a half minutes. They performed a surgery that would help the heart operate normally for a while. They said it wouldn’t last forever, and they were right.  It happened again three weeks ago.

“Y’all must be the Frey family,” the smiling nurse said. “If you come through this door right beside me, I can have Mom and Dad sign some papers,” she said, pointing one shiny fake French nail at a wooden door to our right.

“Ok,” my dad smiled. He punched my brother lightly in the ribs signaling to get off his phone and smile. Jack (my brother) knew what this meant, so he looked up from his phone and offered a sappy smile before going right back to swiping up on his Instagram feed.  I had always wished that Jack would be more supportive than he was, but I knew that day wouldn’t come for a while. We walked through the door. Ms. Smiler took her glasses off of the bridge of her nose to hang them on her shirt seam.  We all sat down at a long table with enough seats for me, my five sisters and four brothers, my Mom and my Dad. She smiled her smile that seemed to always stick to her face. My parents sat in the middle with my brothers on one side and my sisters and I on the other. We all sat quietly as the nurse explained everything that my parents already knew.  Finally, they signed some papers that agreed to the hospital’s policies and that sort of thing. At the very end, my parents stood up to shake hands with the still smiling nurse. It was starting to get sort of creepy, what with her smiling literally the whole time she explained everything to my parents. Her smile just seemed to sort of, stick.

My family and I walked out the door and to our seats to wait for the doctors to finish preparation for the surgery.  My legs felt like jelly just walking the few steps to our chairs. My belly felt full of cinderblocks, just waiting for my whole body to collapse into the cushioned chair.  My eyes felt droopy and tired. I had nothing to do besides stare at the fish tank on the wall in front of me, watching the fish swim back and forth, back and forth. My mom patted my arm and smiled when I looked up at her. I knew deep underneath her “I’m-the-mom-stay-strong” look she had on her face, she was feeling the same way.

After what seemed like an eternity, we were called to the front again, by the same nurse, with the same Cheshire smile.  “We’ll just have ya follow me on back so we can get ya to your room, ok, hon?” She looked at me with the sickeningly sweet smile plastered on her face. “My name is Sasha, hon.  I’ll be with you before and after your surgery, ok?” she said, patting my shoulder in the process.

“Umm, okay,” I said, just walking along and half listening.  My heart beat like a drum in my chest, my breathing heavy. Sasha led us to a room with two white benches, a long table (which I knew was for me to sit on) and two chairs.  The doctors would examine me and then we would go into the surgery. I was starting to like Sasha. She explained everything for me and calmed me when I shook with nerves. She took my blood pressure, checked if my heart was beating as normally as it could and then she explained to me personally in a small room nearby about the surgery.  She asked if I had any questions. When I said yes, she was able to answer the questions well and if she didn’t know the answer, she got it right away from the other nurses or doctors. They all gave me the answers I was looking for.

After about thirty minutes, we went back to the check-up room with my family, along with a team of nurses, specialists and two doctors.  They all stood by a cart with a pillow and a white mattress. I knew I would be taking this to the room where they would do my surgery. I tried to smile but I think it came out a bit lopsided.  My legs went jelly-filled again. My mom sighed and smiled sympathetically. She stood up with two tears running down her cheeks. I wanted to run to her and tell her it would be ok, so I tried. I hugged her like never before.  I couldn’t tell her it would be okay; I hadn’t assured myself of that yet either. I sat down on the bed. The nurses and doctors and specialists smiled at me. I smiled a nervous smile back. I was used to this. At least, I was used to this. They had me lay down on the mattress.  My parents kissed my forehead and hugged me as best they could from my laying down position. The cart/bed was wheeled out of the room and down two hallways.

I was beginning to relax when we reached the room.  Then, they brought the IV and my legs jellyfied yet again.  I winced when they poked it through my skin. Then the doctors turned their backs to me and fiddled with something in front of them.  When they turned around, they held a mask, the mask that would make me fall asleep during the surgery. The mask which had anesthesia that smelled like beach balls. They carried it over to where I lay. “Could you lift your head so that we can put the mask on you?” asked one of the doctors, and I did as she said.  She pulled it over my nose and mouth. The smell of beach ball immediately wafted up my nostrils. My eyes fluttered. Then they shut.