The mother of Mencius lived in Zou in a house near a cemetery. When Mencius was a little boy he liked to play burial rituals in the cemetery, happily building tombs and grave mounds. His mother said to herself, “This is no place to bring up my son.”
She moved near the marketplace in town. Mencius then played merchant games of buying and selling. His mother again said, “This is no place to bring up my son.”
So once again she moved, this time next to a school house. Mencius then played games of ancestor sacrifices and practiced the common courtesies between students and teachers. His mother said, “At last, this is the right place for my son!” There they remained.
When Mencius grew up he studied the six arts of propriety, music, archery, charioteering, writing, and mathematics. Later he became a famous Confucian scholar. Superior men commented that Mencius’s mother knew the right influences for her sons. The Book of Songs says, “That admirable lady, what will she do for them!”
When Mencius was young, he came home from school one day and found his mother was weaving at the loom. She asked him, “Is school out already?”
He replied, “I left because I felt like it.”
His mother took her knife and cut the finished cloth on her loom. Mencius was startled and asked why. She replied, “Your neglecting your studies is very much like my cutting the cloth. The superior person studies to establish a reputation and gain wide knowledge. He is calm and poised and tries to do no wrong. If you do not study now, you will surely end up as a menial servant and will never be free from troubles. It would be just like a woman who supports herself by weaving to give it up. How long could such a person depend on her husband and son to stave off hunger? If a woman neglects her work or a man gives up the cultivation of his character, they may end up as common thieves if not slaves!”
Shaken, from then on Mencius studied hard from morning to night. He studied the philosophy of the master and eventually became a famous Confucian scholar, Superior men observed that Mencius’s mother understood the way of motherhood. The Book of Songs says, “That admirable lady, what will she tell them!”
After Mencius was married, one day as he was going into his private quarters, he encountered his wife not fully dressed. Displeased, Mencius stopped going into his wife’s room. She then went to his mother, begged to be sent home, and said, “I have heard that the etiquette between a man and a woman does not apply in their private room. But lately I have been too causal, and when my husband saw me improperly dressed, he was displeased. He is treating me like a stranger. It is not right for a woman to live as a guest; therefore, please send me back to my parents.”
Mencius’s mother called him to her and said, “It is polite to inquire before you enter a room. You should make some loud noise to warn anyone inside, and as you enter, you should keep your eyes low so that you will not embarrass anyone. Now, you have not behaved properly, yet you are quick to blame others for their impropriety. Isn’t that going a little too far?”
Mencius apologized and took back his wife. Superior men said that his mother understood the way to be a mother-in-law.
When Mencius was living in Qi, he was feeling very depressed. His mother saw this and asked him, “Why are you looking so low?”
“It’s nothing,” he replied.
On another occasion when Mencius was not working, he leaned against the door and sighed. His mother saw him and said, “The other day I saw that you were troubled, but you answered that it was nothing. But why are you leaning against the door sighing?”
Mencius answered, “I have heard that the superior man judges his capabilities and then accepts a position. He neither seeks illicit gains nor covets glory or high salary. If the dukes and princes do not listen to his advice, then he does not talk to them. If they listen to him but do not use his ideas, then he no longer frequents their courts. Today my ideas are not being used in Qi, so I wish to go somewhere else. But I am worried because you are getting too old to travel about the country.”
His mother answered, “A woman’s duties are to cook the five grains, heat the wine, look after her parents-in-law, make clothes, and that is all! Therefore, she cultivates the skills required in the women’s quarters and has no ambition to manage affairs outside of the house. The Book of Changes says, ‘In her central place, she attends to the preparation of the food.’ The Book of Songs says, ‘It will be theirs neither to do wrong nor to do good, I Only about the spirits and the food will they have to think.’ This means that a woman’s duty is not to control or to take charge. Instead she must follow the ‘three submissions.’ When she is young, she must submit to her parents. After her marriage, she must submit to her husband. When she is widowed, she must submit to her son. These are the rules of propriety. Now you are an adult and I am old; therefore, whether you go depends on what you consider right, whether I follow depends on the rules of propriety.”
Superior men observed that Mencius’s mother knew the proper course for women. The Book of Songs says, “Serenely she looks and smiles, I Without any impatience she delivers her instructions.”